Author: Rebecca Toh

Till the day I die

blog, photography

Some days I feel deader than dead about photography—don’t know why I’m doing it, don’t know what it’s good for, don’t know if I’m any good at it. I think about giving it up and rack my brains about what else I would rather be doing. Maybe I will be an interior designer. Or go work in a bookstore. Or I might want to try starting my own company publishing books.

I daydream the various options.

But after I feel deader than dead I always circle back to the feeling that photography is something that I love without reason. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not very good at it, maybe it’s not good for anything, maybe there is no good reason behind why I should keep doing it, but I can’t help it because something in me loves it. Maybe it’s that voiceless part of me, hidden away from the world, that loves it. I really have no idea. It’s all so mysterious. But sometimes that feeling of inexplicable love seizes me and I feel like I can go on again.

I suppose this cycle will continue till the day I die.

A better world

blog

“Earlier this year, I was pretty much done with the internet. I debated about just walking away from it altogether. I felt like I was alone in wanting the internet to be fun. Then I decided to empower myself and just bend the internet to my perspective. I closed accounts and re-directed my focus to reading personal blogs and avoiding all the mainstream stuff. I found other people frustrated with the internet world who just wanted a less stressful and happier place to hang out online. I started building up a huge catalog of personal blogs to take up my online browsing time instead of the news, social media, reddit, and the like. And for the first time in a very long time, I found the internet to be stimulating, fun, and relaxing.”

Brandon, thank you for putting into words what I’ve been thinking about recently.

There should be no shame in choosing not to be political or vocal about what’s going on in the world right now. There is no right or wrong way to be a human being, and there are a million ways to make this world better than it was yesterday. We get to choose how we want to show up.

“Now these very people are having shame spill over into that more peaceful existence online and that really sucks. We can all do things to make the world a better place and people online or even society as a whole, shouldn’t make you feel like you aren’t doing enough. For some people just being nice is enough. For others donating time or money is enough.”

In response to Brandon’s post, “Shame and Blogging”.

Go deep

blog, focus

Going wide can be overwhelming—there’s so much to read, watch, think about. So go deep instead. Reread the books you love. Go back to your notes, over and over again. Rewatch movies. Chew over the ideas that have inspired you—allow them to sink roots, become a part of you. Realise that this is an important part of your personal-philosophy-forming-process, so keep digging in. Go deep.

Help yourself to it

blog, buddhism

“When you have a toothache, you think that not having a toothache will make you very happy. But when you don’t have a toothache, often you are still not happy. If you practise awareness, you suddenly become very rich, very very happy. Buddhism is a clever way to enjoy life. Happiness is available. Please help yourself to it.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

Photographer and writer

blog, photography

“Fifteen years ago, I stopped being a writer and became a photographer. 
On a sweltering New York August day, I was writing about winter in Japan. Writers, it seemed, didn’t have to go to the places they wrote about. 

I became a photographer because photographers did have to be where they
 wanted to take pictures, or at least their cameras did.”
– Charles Harbutt

I want to be a photographer so I can go to places. But I also want to be a writer so I can think about the places I’ve been to. Living and thinking. Thinking and writing. Writing and living.

The sabbatical (and now a forced one because of COVID-19) is working. I really want to get back to taking photos now. I feel not simply rested but energised and motivated. And I really want to write about the photos I have taken. I think that’s becoming quite clear—and it was this part I wanted to make clear to myself during this period. What is my one thing? What is the thing that I thought was missing from my photography? This might be it. Words were missing from my photography.

Words help me to make sense of this world—they are how I think. I believe they can also help me to create photography work that is deeper and more meaningful. I wrote last year that I don’t want to continue to take only beautiful photos for commercial clients. I want to go further into the world and do work that can move the needle. Which needle? That’s part of what I must find out for myself. But I wanna grow as a photographer and a human being. My camera MUST be a tool that helps to bring about positive change in this world, and to do that I have to be uncomfortable and walk into new and unfamiliar territories.

Growth is uncomfortable. But staying the same is worse.

I am reminding myself to discard all my superficial ideas about what constitutes positive change. I’m also reminding myself to learn, learn, learn, and to be like water as I continue to grow into a photographer-writer who can create work that makes this world a slightly kinder place for other human beings.

The road is long. But I’m taking one step forward now. I think each new step will bring me more clarity and confidence, so wish me luck!